A night out

I was in a bad way. I was a depressive, so on and off I had low points. That day, that month, was particularly bad. I had lost my job and hadn't been able to get another one. I finally bolstered the courage to timidly ask out the neighbor I've been crushing on forever and she turned me down flat. My puny savings had dwindled to nothing and I was on my last hundred bucks. Lonely and miserable, I hit the bar, intent on drinking it all out.

The bar was around the corner from my house. I had never been there despite living in the area for 3 years. I always figured if I was going to drink that close to home, I might as well do it at home. of course, I never felt that low before either, and there's a level of misery in which you want to be surrounded by people and pitied while at the same time being alone.

I sat right at the bar, which was curiously empty, since the place was pretty full otherwise. I had a beer, than another. The bartender wasn't paying much attention to me. To be fair, I probably looked pretty pathetic, staring into my beer and sighing. This didn't occur to me then, though. I wanted any attention I could get and would settle for pity. So I said to the bartender

- Have you ever wanted oblivion?

It took him a moment to register that he had been addressed and a moment longer to recognize I had spoken.

- Sorry, what?

- Have you ever wanted oblivion, I said again.

He smiled at the very tips of his lips and said, sure, in a voice that suggested he'd heard this line before.

- No I mean it, I said, a little indignant.

- I sure you do, he responded with a sigh.

- I mean, I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to die. I'm just in a pit of despair. I just want to forget everything for a little while, you know? Eliminate myself entirely.

- Pit of despair, huh?

- Yeah, I mean, everything is wrong right now, you know? Nothing's going right. I just keep failing and failing and stuff in my life gets worse and worse.

- Uh-huh.

- Like I just lost my job. I worked there for 5 years and they just let me go, like a piece of trash you throw in the garbage. And now no one wants to hire me. I might as well burn that BA for kindling, for all good it's done for me.

- Rough.

- Just before that, I asked out my neighbor from down the hall. She just looked at me like I was an alien, said 'I'm not really interested' and took off like I pulled a knife on her or something. I worshiped this girl and she acts like I'm dirt!

- That a fact.

- Damn right! I mean, how much worse can it get? Nobody's got it worse than I do!

- Fuck you.

He said it clearly and quietly and right to me. I hadn't noticed before, but he had fixed me with an icy glare.

- Wh.what?

- Fuck you. You think you've got it so rough. "I lost my job where they clearly thought I was shit! The girl I like doesn't like me!" Boo-fucking-hoo. Man up a bit will you?

- You can't talk to me like that, I said falteringly.

- Oh yes I can. It's my bar. You don't like it, get the fuck outta here. Things don't turn out exactly the way you want and you whine and whine. Guess what. the world doesn't revolve around you, you narcissist!

- Bu-but I can't help it. I've got depression and-

- Yeah, no shit Sherlock. That's fucking obvious. But you can sit back and wallow in how shitty your life is or you can climb up outta the mud and wipe yourself off. Everybody's got it rough some way or another; this is a tough world we live in. But you gotta fight for the kinda life you want. No one's gonna hand it to you.

He poured me a shot of whisky and one for himself

- Now, drink it down and suck it up. You seem like an alright guy, just don't be so pathetic, ok?

We clinked shot glasses and downed the whisky. Then he shook my hand and kicked me out of the bar. I started to head on down the street to another bar, then stopped. I headed back to my apartment. Oblivion would have to wait.