A very special Easter

Jesus was hung on the cross for days in wretched pain before he finally died. Immediately, he felt his spirit rise up into the heavens until he was floating in the clouds. Still he went up and up until finally he was completely enveloped in soft fluffy clouds. Suddenly, the clouds parted exactly in the middle and a black dot the size of a fist appeared.

Jesus smiled. So his father was appearing to him again at last!

"Father! I've returned!"

The shape started to ripple and shake like a spherical pond.

 And then, a booming voice:

"YOU ARE NOT MY SON!"

It hurt his ears to hear. It was loud and changed pitch and tone constantly and made him feel nauseous. His eyes didn't help things as he watched the ball change shape rapidly from a llama to a watermelon to a chair to a book and dozens of other things all in the blink of an eye. he couldn't be sure but he thought he saw himself, too, for a second. tasting the bile rising in his mouth he said:

"What do you mean? You've been appearing to me my whole life in visions and with angels!"

"I HAVE NO ANGELS! YOU WERE TRICKED! THE DEVIL IS YOUR MASTER!"

"Bu-but I have served you my whole life!"

"NO!!! YOU HAVE SERVED LUCIFER! HE SENT 'ANGELS' AND GAVE YOU VISIONS TO LEAD PEOPLE ASTRAY AND INTO HIS ARMS!"

"I have done no such thing! I preach to people about tolerance and worship!"

"YES. FOR NOW. ULTIMATELY PEOPLE WILL USE YOU TO JUSTIFY HORRIBLE ATROCITIES IN YOUR NAME AND MINE! I GAVE YOU THE COMMANDMENT! WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO FOLLOW IT?"

"I have followed the ten commandments all my life!"

"NOT COMMANDMENTS! COMMANDMENT! WHY DO YOU THINK IT IS CALLED THE GOLDEN RULE? DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU! I CREATED EXISTENCE AND GAVE YOU ALL FREE WILL AND ONE RULE TO FOLLOW AND LEFT YOU ALONE, AND ALL YOU HUMANS DO IS DISOBEY WITH HATRED, INTOLERANCE AND MURDER FOR THOSE DIFFERENT FROM THEMSELVES!"

Jesus paled.

"You mean I've been led astray? The teachings of Moses.."

"A LIE! A SHAM! WHY WOULD I SPEAK TO A SINGLE MAN WHEN I COULD SPEAK TO EVERYONE ALL AT ONCE IF I SO CHOSE! I AM INTERESTED IN SEEING WHAT YOU DO WITHOUT MY INTERFERENCE OR I WOULD GIVE YOU NO CHOICE AT ALL!"

Jesus looked positively sickly now.

"Moses isn't a prophet either?"

"YOU AREN'T LISTENING! THEY ARE ALL DELUDED MADMEN LED ASTRAY BY THE DEVIL! THE ANGELS YOU SPEAK OF ARE DEMONS IN DISGUISE! THEY TOLD YOU WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR AND MADE YOUR SO-CALLED MIRACLES HAPPEN!"

Tears were streaming down Jesus' face now.

"What happens to me now?"

"YOU GAVE YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL THE MOMENT YOU BEGAN TO SPREAD HIS LIES AND MISINFORMATION. YOU WILL RESIDE IN HIS REALM FOR ETERNITY."

"But, I never to..I mean, I meant my whole life to be in your service!"

"YES. BUT IT WAS NOT. MANY DEATHS WILL BE CAUSED IN YOUR NAME AND I CANNOT, I WILL NOT FORGIVE IT. FAREWELL."

With that Jesus fell, screaming, in the eternal fiery pits of hell. In exchange for less pain and suffering in his afterlife, Jesus agreed to appear three days after his death to his apostles to spread his message of 'love'. For the evil he had helped to create and then propagate with his 'resurrection', he was made to live in hell forever. He wept at the irony.

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Several hundred years later, Mohammed rose to the heavens and up into the clouds. GOD sighed as he saw him approach.

"NOT ANOTHER ONE!"